Tell Me If This Be Love

If you were the clouds
And raindrops your kiss,
I’d drown in your showers
Of liquid-sliver bliss.

If you were the flowers
And dewdrops your tears,
I’d make a bed of petals
To wash away my fears.

If you were the violin
And the notes your voice
I’d listen to your singing
To my heart’s rejoice.

Starlight Memories: Shadow Star, Forever Stay

Without the Darkness there is no light.
Without the Darkness there is no night.
Without the Darkness there is no fear.
Without the Darkness I wouldn't need you here.

So I'll pray for the Darkness every night,
And wait for It during the day.
For without your love It would consume me all,
But It can't with your love standing in the way.

So stand beside me always,
Don't leave me in the dark.
If so, it would claim me easily,
For I already bear it's mark.

It used to make my life its home,
But you drove it away once more.
Now its waiting for another chance,
To take over and even the score.

I won't give it that chance again,
But I need your help to keep it at bay.
So shine bright my Star, with all your love,
And together we can keep it away.

You're my light, always shine.
You're my sun, always rise.
You're my heart, always beat.
You're my victory, and Its defeat.

The Darkness within shan't return,
It will stay deep down, caged by you.
Never again to rear Its ugly head,
Because you, my light of day, always shines through.

So I shall pray that you will stay in my Sky,
Forever and always, shining bright.
My Shadow Star, my love, my life,
The Day in my soul, chasing away the Night.

a mother is ...

A mother is someone
Who makes everything right
To comfort their child
When they're afraid of the night

A mother is the rock
A child really needs
To help them stay strong
And do good deeds

A mother is a shoulder
Their children go to lean on
To cry and complain
Till their troubles are all gone

A mother is a friend
You can tell your secrets to
Cause no matter what you did
They will always love you

A mother is the love
That no one else can give
It takes a special place in your heart
For as long as you shall live

I once heard a saying
That in the eyes of a child
A mother is God
Some might think that's wild

But you see, for me
I actually think it's true
I guess what I'm trying to say is
Well Mom, I Love You

You Cut Me Open

Cut me open
And let me bleed
But to me a favor
And stay away from me

You cut me open
You let me bleed
But you don't even realize
How much it hurts me

I wish you would
Because maybe,
Just maybe,
You will see
That what your doing to me...

Cuts me open
And makes me bleed
But i have no problem
Because i like the way the pain you cause me

Makes me feel...

Tak Tersentuh

Pagi tadi aku membuat segelas kopi instan saja seperti kesukaanmu. Betapa aneh terasa, tanpa suara guyuran air dan senandung dari kamar mandi.
Aku lalu mencoba menonton pesawat televisi seharian seorang diri,
memain-mainkan remote control seperti seorang tolol
lalu merasa sewot sendiri. Tetapi aku tetap tak mampu berhenti
memikirkanmu.

Siapakah kamu, orang asing yang berbaring
di sampingku 3 malam. Siapakah kamu?
Seperti sepasang ular jalang di liang sempit
kita telah saling melilit dan menggigit.
Telah kuhirup aroma khas kulitmu
dan bau harum rambutmu yang menyembur saat kau benahi,
telah membawaku ke tengah padang rumput di lembah
pada suatu pagi hari yang basah seusai reda
hujan musim semi yang pertama.
Setiap senti tubuhmu yang menerbitkan beribu mimpi
telah kutelusuri dengan jemari gemetar, dengan dada berdebar keras,
dan peluh yang menderas,
tetapi kau hanya tertawa serta mengangkat bahu

Ah, seperti kali kecil, kau selalu menolak bercermin.
Seperti warna-warni mentari dalam lukisan impresionis,
kau beralih berganti tanpa letih.
Dan kemarin malam ketika aku menangis
dengan ringan kau berkata tak acuh : “Ini pasti cuma emosi sesaat”
Aduh ! Akupun tahu itu,
hubungan kita tak punya masa depan. Harapan hanya impian.

Kini senja menyusut di jendela dan malam merambat perlahan.
Kurasakan betul
dingin menyelusup masuk lewat celah bawah pintu
mengendap dan menebal di lantai batu.

Untuk apa menyalakan lampu. Alangkah mengerikan
bila dalam terang aku hanya memergoki diri sendiri yang sepi.
Dalam temaram dan kelam aku merasa lebih tenteram dan aman. Seolah-olah
kau masih hadir di sini, diam di dekatku.
Menatap lekat dan lama tanpa berkata,
menemani.

Tak Tersentuh
Di dalam hatiku ada dirimu
Yang tak kan mengerti
Betapa dalam rasa cintaku 'tuk dirimu

reff:
Adakah celah dihatimu
Untuk cintaku yang begitu besar
Meski kau tak menginginkan adanya diriku

Ku tak kan pernah bisa
Memilikimu luluhkan hatimu
Meski telah kuserahkan
Seluruh jiwa ragaku

Di dalam hatiku ada dirimu
Yang tak kan mengerti

Jika memang kau tak tersentuh
'kan ku berikan sisa hidupmu
Untuk mencintaimu
Walau hati saja

Seperti seekor ikan menggelepar-gelepar
di atas pecahan-pecahan es, sukmaku yang telah menerima
kutukan itu akan menggeletar tak sabar menanti tiba
kabar berita darimu. Meski hanya selembar kartu pos,
mungkin dari suatu tempat yang jauh
di mana salju selalu jatuh dan matahari begitu pemalu
dan melulu berteduh.
Aku tidak berani memintamu untuk setia
–itu terlalu mustahil dan menggelikan bagimu, tentu–
hanya saja,
tolong, jangan lupakan saya…

DEATH NOTE

Bottle of pills
The sweet smell of temptation
Anxiety builds
I love, though hate this
The long name fills my ears with a song
Too much morphine
how did this get so wrong?
I've been waiting for the sun to rise
Too many tortured years too long
This is my starry eyed demise...

Don't cry my dear
With your fake God I'll dine
My death note cut in my arm
A perfectly straight line
I don't mean you any harm
Can't you see im just fine?
Don't worry this isn't your life but mine...

I had to be everyones hero
Suffering with my own regret
I put everyone else first
Though my needs far from met...
This was how you raised me
So how can you be so mad?
You raised your hand with glee
And watching me bruised you were glad...

Don't cry my dear
These bruises will go away
For even in hell
This pain will never stay
Im waiting for my death bell
This tempation
I finally will obey...
They say heavens gates are pretty narrow
For your sake I hope that's true
You all shot my heart with decieted arrow
Now there's nothing you can do
You got your last wish
My death the genie granted to all of you...

Baby, i swear i'm fine

I've been waiting for the sun
For quite some time
Stuck in this hole my whole life
But baby I swear im fine
I'll just cut another pretty slice...

I've been bruised up and beaten
More than you'll ever know
I take two steps ahead
Yet still wrongfully defeated

But honey I swear im fine
I'll just take some more pills
Make another gaping line
And watch as the crimson flood spills

Im stuck in the past
But they diagnosed me
Uncurable they say
But baby I swear im fine
My life just won't last
This is the way it has to be
I'll just keep wearing this ecstatic mask...

I can't show any emotion
Better to shut myself down
No preconceived notion
When you can't see me drown
But baby I swear im fine
I just won't make it
Not another round...

Play The Doll

Ignorance is bliss, and I choose to ignore that you don't want me.
You play with me like a child's doll.
You race through my veins whenever I think of you.
Heart pounding when I think of what we've been through.
Electricity whenever it's just the two of us.
No where in between, this is truly love.

You make me weaker in the knees
everytime you're close to me.
You make me yours with a bat of those lashes.
When we say goodbye you can see it as it crashes.
My emotions lose control
when goodbye is on its roll.

I think of you even as I sleep.
You say that I am yours and I can't disagree.
You pull me along like a puppy on its leash.
Go where you want, and I'll follow your lead.
If you leave me in the cold at night,
I'll wait on your step 'til you wake in the morning light.
It brings another day
for you to play.

For you I'll take any pain.
Tell me to go, and I'll stand in the rain.
You call me a bitch, and you say that I'm insane.
By tomorrow I'll be your toy doll again for play.
I'm your toy doll, I'm your favorite Barbie.
You don't have as much fun with the other fish in the sea.

my give to you

Blue is for the color of the ocean
Where I sat and watched you drown
Your screams carried away by hunger seagulls

Red is for the blood I donated to the earth
Each cherry drop in vain
For you understanding nothing
Of my mind

Black is for...
Well black is for me
My place to hide
My ebony gown
That enhances each smokey ring
Of my beauty

White is for the divine
A color I know not of

Yellow is for the color of my fingertips
After a night of dancing cigarettes
One after the other I gave them life
Then took it away
Oh what power

Purple is for the flawless sunsets
That I watched alone
Predisposed with inquires
Of stomach twisting abandonment

You asked me to justify my actions
With words
An impossible task
For one who rants and raves
Like a mad lover
Cracking knuckles and
Grinding teeth

So I abducted God’s rainbow
His promise of peace
And slit its candy coated throat
Draining each vibrant pigment
And painted a picture
Just for you

Don’t look so surprised

hater

Didn't think
Was just afraid
So I said those things

Saw your face
Screamed inside
Wanted to die

I hate myself
For what I did
I hope we can work it out

Everyone
On the inside
Has hated themselves once

So I'm not
Surprised
To see the day when I do too

Forgive and forget
I hope we can try
I feel like shit inside

Forgive me
Hate me
Either way, I feel bad

my heaven, my hell

Tall grass
It sways with the breeze
My dress flows to the floor
It brushes the tops of my feet
The ground feels soft under me
The wind blows my hair back from my face
It drys the tears that were placed on my cheeks
Dandelion seeds blow past my face
The sun warms my cold skin

My own little world
It makes me smile
I’m alone here
But i never feel lonely
Not like the real world
This is my heaven

….

The grass slowly dies
The breeze becomes a thrashing wind
It chills me to the bone
My dress has holes in it from getting caught on all of the dead plants
The ground makes my feet bleed
I leave a trail of blood behind me
The sun is hidden behind clouds

There are no dandelions to create seeds
There are no breezes to dry my tears
There is no sun to make me warm

My own little world
It makes me frown
I’m so alone here
The loneliness over whelms me
Worse then the real world
This is my hell…

No One Else, But Me...

The wind blows her hair back from her face
She stands tall
The wind makes her hair seem alive
And a smile crosses her pale face
As a tear glistens on her cheek
She looks back at me with sad eyes
But the bright smile that the sun bounces off of is still in place
She is beautiful in a sad unknowing way
The wind presses her dress against her body
Outlining the beauty that is hidden with baggy clothes
She’s everything i want to be
And everything I’m not
But how many times have people told me that the girl i see

Is no one else but me..

My Walls will never Fall

My walls have been broken down a couple times
And now there built up once again
Ready for an army
But not even an army could break them
It’s a waste of time to say you want to get in
Because I’ve learned over the years that its not a good idea
My walls have no doors or windows
There is no way to get in
They are not going to crumble
So do me a big favor and don’t waste your time

Because every second my walls grow stronger
With every hate filled glare they grow thicker
And with every word that is meant to hurt me they grow taller

Maybe if you would have caught me a little sooner they would budge
But its way to late
I’m locked here
Behind my walls
And i honestly don’t mind
Because when those glares and words cant reach me
I am grateful for my walls

So just give up now
Please your making this hard on me
Just back off
And leave me be

Angel and The Little Girl

I look at these walls
I see everything
My whole life played out
But soon the pictures fade
Only one thing remains
My sweet pain
Hanging there on the wall
I’m a little girl
What do i know?
I point to it and ask myself, Angel .

“Angel, what’s that?”
I look down at me
I was so innocent
So small
I look at me with sad and knowing eyes

“Something that you will get
to know very well.”

I smile and look up into my eyes
Soon the smile fades
I see pain and sorrow
I see… guilt?

“Angel, why are you sad?”

I look down at my own face
I see confusion
I see worried unknowing eyes

“I’m not sad, little girl.”

I get angry
And double check my eyes
I know i saw it
I still do

“I can see it in your eyes, you cant hide it from me.”

I don’t want to break my innocent smile
I don’t want to break my heart that is whole
But i know it will have to be done

“Your innocence will be taken away little one. You will look for comfort in that”
I point to what hangs on the wall
“It will never let you fall. It will keep your mind silent”

I stare at the object that hangs there
On the wall
I walk to it
I see the way the light glints off of it
I see the sharp edge
Like a knife that I’m not aloud to use
But its sharper
I don’t dare to touch it
Even though a part of me wants to

“Angel,”
“hm?”
“We will be okay, right?”
I look down knowing what I’m about to say will be a lie
“Sure, little girl. We will be okay.”

I look away from the object on the wall
I see the sad smile on my face

“Thank you for lying to me, Angel.”

I walk back to me
I give myself a hug
I can feel my body trembling,
Crying
I look up at my face
Eye liner running from my eyes
Tinting the tears black

“Don’t cry, Angel. You look like mommy when daddy passed away 5 years ago, i held her just like this. Angel, i had to grow up and hold her….she cried in my arms.”
“I know little girl, but that will stop. i know how it happens each night. You have to be strong.”
“I don’t know how to be, its all so wrong.”

I hug myself tight
Soon her mind will mature
Its already begun
Once this was me

“Its alright little girl. Things will get better, but soon you will be the one to make her cry. We will use words to hurt her, because she will hurt us.”
“I wont hurt mommy. She would never hurt us.”
“You say this now. Get some sleep and in your dreams think of me. I’ll always be here for you.”
“But Angel, you have yet to tell me what the thing on the wall is.”
“You will find out soon enough. Now sleep tight and hold onto your innocence before it gets taken away…..”

I couldn’t bare to tell myself the truth
I couldn’t bare to break my innocents
It will soon be taken away
I didn’t want to tell myself things that will hurt me even further

“Good night little girl.”
“Good night Angel.”

I watch myself walk out of my room as my eye lids begin to shut
My dreams will be filled with myself
I know this
I try to forget how my eyes had looked
So sad
So hurt
So broken

So empty…

Even After All These Thing

I still remember your presence
And the way you comforted me so perfectly
And even after all this time
I still remember you secretly

The vision of your face
Still haunts me in my dreams
I’ve tried to forget you
How impossible it seems

You’ve forgotten me long ago
And you live with no regret
I’ve tried to move on
But I’m still stuck in this net

I just want to forget you
And all the things you’ve said
I just want to lie down
And keep you out of my head

How am I supposed to move on?
When I could have something that’s yours
A part of you could live within me
And you still keep me behind closed doors

Not once have you shown interest
Not once have you ever tried
What if it ends up being your child …
Are you still going to run and hide?

I once told you I wouldn’t keep it
And that I just couldn’t deal
But the farther along I’ve come
The more I notice it’s real

How could I give up something I love?
Is that what you expect me to do?
I could never do something so selfish
Because that would make me as bad as you

Even after all these things
I can’t bring myself to hate you
All I know is that I hate
Not being able to forget you

Getting Over You!

I’m sick of all the love stories
That make me think of you
The thought that i cant have you
Just makes me want to cry

You are my dream
My fairytale
Maybe you could bring back the smile
That used to occupy this face

I’m sick of hearing love quotes
That makes me think of what could be
If only you loved me
how wonderful that would seem

Maybe you still have the missing piece
To fix my shattered heart
To free my stolen glee
Oh, how i’d love it to come back to me

So i listen to the sad songs
I know just what they mean
But no matter what i do
Nothing can help me get over you

About Him

I’m scared.
I’m scared to love you too hard, to need you to bad,
and to have you today, but not tomorrow.
I’m afraid to lose you and everything we have.
I’m afraid that it won’t last too long,
and that it will all turn out wrong.

I’m scared of the end and of missing the beginning.
I’m scared of having regrets
even though I’m not having them already
I’m scared you will let me go and tell me its thru,
we’re over.
I’m scared you will find someone better and love her more.
I’m afraid that if I don’t hold on tight,
you just might, let go.
And when I say
“I love you”
you won’t say
“I love you too”

I’m scared you will no longer miss me
I’m terrified of going on without you.
I’m crying already because of how scared,
frightened, terrified I am to lose you.
I want you forever babe.
I’m afraid forever will turn into never.
I’m afraid that die will turn into death

I want you to hold me.
I want you to never let me go.
I want you to always know,
that I got you, till the very end.
but i’m scared baby, I am.
I love you so much
its hard t even talk when your around.
so tell me baby,
just tell me,
you still love me,
cuz i’m scared, i’m scared you will and have stopped.
so tell me,
“Till the end
don’t be scared coz i got you
i’m your man”
say again,
“I’ll love you till the end till my very death”
say this to me babe,
cuz I’m scared,
I’m frightened,
I don’t wana lose you.
be my man till the end,
and I’ll be your girl,
we’ll stay as more than friends.
I love you babe,
I do
I’m scared though,
so tell me you will love me too

always…

Why I Can't...

i am a stone pilliar holding up all of my friends
and even some people iv never met
but who cares? they need someone to care and thats what i do.
they all trust me because im so strong.
i never show when im hurt
i never cry
i never beg to know why you did it
im just there to hold you up
i fight for those who cant stand anymore
i run for the ones who cant walk
i simply write for all the ones who cant find hope
i will always help the ones who need it
i refuse to let someone walk that lonely road of depression
of hopelessness
of fear
or pain
alone.

i will walk beside them
till i fall to my knees.
then i will put them on my back and crawl till my legs break
then ill drag us both out with my arms.
i refuse to let someone else suffer in silence
and shadow alone.
if they come to me or i find them
ill stand in the night and fight shadows till i go blind.
people ask me why i never cry
its because if i show weakness
i cant help those in need.
when i cry no one ever sees it
and thats the way it will stay.

If I HAd Superpower!

If I had superpowers
I bet I’d rule the world
I’d laugh “mwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”
cuz’ I’m the strongest and most powerful girl!

I’d get what I want
no doubt about that
I’d payback all the bullies
and make them wear a stupid,funky hat

I’ll fly my homework into outer space
so I’ll never have it to do
I don’t ever need a note
I’ll say, “miss no more homework or I’ll destroy you!!!”
“mwaahhhh!!”

The teacher might not like me
but I’ll be a hero
to the kids of the world
and no one needs to know the answer to ten times zero

hmmm…..forget those kids
..
I’m stealing all the candy
I’ll stuff my tummy for hours
with everything sweet and bad for you
..that’s just a pipedream…
…If only I had superpowers..

I See

Looking in the mirror
Laughing at my own reflection

I see the pain in my eyes
I see the sadness in my smile

I see the scars on my chest
I see the scars on my face

I lift an arm into the mirrors view
I see the scars on my wrist

I close my eyes and picture the me i wish i could be

I see soft skin
Clean
No scars

I see eyes with a light in them
I see a smile that holds nothing but happy memories and innocent lies

I realize that was me once

When life had no monsters accept the ones in the closet or under the bed
When there was no such thing as self harm

When i didn’t know what a razor blade was
Or what it could do

I open my eyes
I see who i have become

Not to long ago i was in this same spot
Seeing the scars but also seeing how i was changing

I was changing because of both of you
I saw it then

I saw how there was just a hint of a sparkle in my eyes
I saw how my smile was becoming real

I saw the giggly girl i never was
I saw the love of two people in my heart, in the way i glowed

Now there was no glow in my face
No sparkle in my eyes

But there is still love in my heart for the two people who my heart belongs to
There is little hope but i can still feel it there…barely

I look away from my reflection
I take a few steps away and walk out

Hoping that the next time i look in the mirror i will be the me i wish i could be…

Why can't that be me?

Watching my life go by
Each strand at a time
Some strands cut off mid way
Saying that life has ended
Those are the ones that make me cry
But the one that stands out most
Is mine

The colors are odd
Some dont go together
The outside strings
They are all so bright
Yellow, orange, green
What happened to the inside?
Its so dark and scary
That cant be me
Grays, blacks, deep crimson

What happened to me?
No one knows
I look at all the faces that go with the strings
And they are so happy
Why cant that be me?

I see the ones that are swirled together
Just like one
Those are the happiest, the brightest
Its a weird color, the color of love
Their strings are all that color
Why cant that be me?

I see all the kids
So happy and free
I see the couples
So loving and caring
I see the parents
So gentle and kind

Then i see me
My darkness is all i see
No happiness
No love
No kindness
Nothing
Why does this have to be me?

They are
so happy
So free
So kind
So loving
So loved
So gentle
So caring

Why cant that be me?

Sorry, my eyes don't sparkle like before

You were the one i looked foward to seeing everyday
I had a reason to wake up in the morning
Yea…that was all for you

And when you wrote that poem
You should have seen me
My eyes sparkled like no one has ever seen
I didn’t even recognize me

You were there to make me safe
To make me happy
And that’s all you ever did
I finally thought that love and happiness were there to stay

But i was wrong
Once again
But its okay
It’s not you fault
Happiness runs from me
It just happens to be that love and happiness run hand in hand

And I’m sorry that my eyes don’t sparkle like they used to…

I swear its not your fault
And besides I’m used to being hurt

tentang orang asing

Pagi tadi aku membuat segelas kopi instan saja seperti kesukaanmu. Betapa aneh terasa, tanpa suara guyuran air dan senandung dari kamar mandi.
Aku lalu mencoba menonton pesawat televisi seharian seorang diri,
memain-mainkan remote control seperti seorang tolol
lalu merasa sewot sendiri. Tetapi aku tetap tak mampu berhenti
memikirkanmu.
Siapakah kamu, orang asing yang berbaring
di sampingku semalaman. Siapakah kamu?
Seperti sepasang ular jalang di liang sempit
kita telah saling melilit dan menggigit.
Telah kuhirup aroma khas kulitmu
dan bau harum rambutmu yang menyembur saat kau benahi,
telah membawaku ke tengah padang rumput di lembah
pada suatu pagi hari yang basah seusai reda
hujan musim semi yang pertama.
Setiap senti tubuhmu yang menerbitkan beribu mimpi
telah kutelusuri dengan jemari gemetar, dengan dada berdebar keras,
dan peluh yang menderas,
tetapi kau hanya tertawa serta mengangkat bahu

Ah, seperti kali kecil, kau selalu menolak bercermin.
Seperti warna-warni mentari dalam lukisan impresionis,
kau beralih berganti tanpa letih.
Dan kemarin malam ketika aku menangis
dengan ringan kau berkata tak acuh : “Ini pasti cuma emosi sesaat”
Aduh ! Akupun tahu itu,
hubungan kita tak punya masa depan. Harapan hanya impian.

Kini senja menyusut di jendela dan malam merambat perlahan.
Kurasakan betul
dingin menyelusup masuk lewat celah bawah pintu
mengendap dan menebal di lantai batu.

Untuk apa menyalakan lampu. Alangkah mengerikan
bila dalam terang aku hanya memergoki diri sendiri yang sepi.
Dalam temaram dan kelam aku merasa lebih tenteram dan aman. Seolah-olah
kau masih hadir di sini, diam di dekatku.
Menatap lekat dan lama tanpa berkata,
menemani.

Seperti seekor ikan menggelepar-gelepar
di atas pecahan-pecahan es, sukmaku yang telah menerima
kutukan itu akan menggeletar tak sabar menanti tiba
kabar berita darimu. Meski hanya selembar kartu pos,
mungkin dari suatu tempat yang jauh
di mana salju selalu jatuh dan matahari begitu pemalu
dan melulu berteduh.
Aku tidak berani memintamu untuk setia
–itu terlalu mustahil dan menggelikan bagimu, tentu–
hanya saja,
tolong, jangan lupakan saya…

It’s Who I Turned Out To Be…

I want to hurt, to be hurt!
I want pain, I need pain!
I feel dead, inside.
I feel dead, and I need to feel alive again!

I feel so hurt, I’ve been hurt!
I feel pain, oh the pain!
I’m not dead, I know.
I’m not dead, and this is what makes me feel alive!

But just because I hurt myself
it doesn’t mean I’d ever hurt you
So why then do you look at me
Then slowly turn away (from me)

You turn away from me.
You turn away.

But just because I sin, does it make me a sinner?
Does it make me bad? Does it make me wrong?
Does it make me useless? Does it make me worthless?
Does it mean I should be better? Better than who I am?
Cause this is who I really am. It’s not what I ever wanted to be.
It’s who I turned out to be…

A FAILURE!
A NO-ONE!
A NOTHING!
A FAILURE!
I’M A FAILURE!
Failure…
I’M A FAILURE!
Failure…

So please God, will you help me?
Help me change the way I am
Help me change who I’ve become
Help me grow, please help me grow
Help me Lord, to hold on

NOTHING !

Suck it up and pull it in.
That’s what you always told me,
“Over emotional, crazy girl.”

Smile and say “I’m Fine,”
when I want to scream in pain.
Frustration causing bones to ache.

Silent tears make an escape,
At night when you’re not there.
You don’t see how weak you’re making me.
Although I’m sure you know,
You just don’t give-a-shit.

Bruises show up everywhere,
And I pretend I don’t know,
Where they came from,
Or how I got them.

Giving everyone a free show.
Pretending every second.
Not knowing who I am anymore.
My life, like a lie.

To strangers I am hurt.
To people I am a klutz.
To family I am insane.
To friends something’s wrong.
To you? To you I am nothing.

My Suicide

I cannot take the shit you bring
You’ve left me no choice
There is nothing else I can do
I’m never happy and neither are you
I’ve given it some thought
Hoping to find another way out
But suicide is my only path
As I’m sitting here wishing
That things would be better
I drive myself insane
Knowing that this is it
For you and me
I begin to make little cuts
But my anger grows
To the failure I’ve become
Harder and deeper the cuts go
Blood getting everywhere
I begin to feel relief
My arms full of blood
My legs soon to be next
As I lay there
On the bathroom floor
The noises from behind the door
Begin to fade away more and more
Images of us begin to flash through
I become weaker and weaker
My vision begins to blurr
tears running down my cheeks
Knowing that its over
Never again will there be
A you and me
As my life comes to an end
I breathlessly say
I love you

Dark Lullaby

Shadows
Shadows
Everywhere…
Also wanting to give you a good scare
Demon
Demon
In the night
Always wanting to give you a good fright
Everyone suffers
Everyone dies
But why is it still they lie
Blood
Gore
In the night
But still in this world we fight
And also there is the hellish sight of murder
But the dark souls are consumed by the Reaper
In this world
One lushish kiss
Will throw us into the horrible abyss
And with one last breath
We are given death
The darkness rages in our minds
Killing us all from the inside out
Yet we always fill our lives with dought
Still we try to be happy
But most of us look eerie
So all of us die
All of us lie
In this little lullaby
After you read
We all will surely die
As this tale comes to an end
So with our lives with it
And now i stay in my emotional shell
Now goodbye
And Ill see you in Hell….

about REDVO ;)

Remembering every moment that we spent together,
Those silly arguments over every silly matter.
For some reasons we are stocked to each other
Tho u don`t know me well and i don`t know u either

Days passed and months too, indeed even years
We remain the same, threading our own different lane
But surprisingly in each other`s list we stand still
Not knowing what kind of future does bring

As we continue to go on and live in our own world
Almost forgotten that we keep our means to contact each other
Until that fateful day, i was lost, broken in my wander
In amazement i was enveloped with joy when i see u right there

Never in my wildest dream did i expect the twist in our story
We have no good memories other than our endless debate
Surprisingly u were there to stand for me and instantly protected me
I never forget that day because it was the start of a sweet journey

How could i ever thank you for the unmeasurable love u poured
God is so good that He gave a valuable rewarding heart to hold
Someday if i could have that chance i will repay back in sweet favor
The loving heart of a friend that never change in any situation.

My Saddest Moment

you’ve hurt me so much
you don’t even know

you kicked me when i was down
stomped on my heart

you’ve killed me emotionally
i’m a walking body of sadness

i’ll fade away into nowwhere
you’ll hear my voice whisper in the wind

walk a mile in my shoes
see the bomb you’ve set off

the burning destruction
the ruins of my heart

every smile you give me
drives the knife deeper

i can’t deal with you
you’ve fucked my life

how many times must i hurt myself
before you relize you’ve hurt me

you’ve dug me and early grave
but i put myself in it

deep thoughts of me and you
i cut myself to free them

you tell me you don’t love me
i’m done, i’m dead to you

i hate my life
fuck you, fuck everything

i’m so done with life
i’m ready to die

i take an entire bottle of tylenol
and cut your name in my arm

i feel my body dying
my mind so scared

passed out, dying
puking blood , dead

brought back to live
left in a daze

as i wake up in my hopsital room
i can’t stop shaking

deemed insane, locked up
locks with absent keys

everywhere i go, i’m reminded of you
and the attempt i made at my life

i’m up shit creek with out a paddle
i give in and go with the flow

a shadow amung the masses
i reach out to noone

i’m so dead, i could put a gun to my head and not be phased

i’m so deep in self pity
i’ll never get out

twist the knife in my back
so i can feel something

i piss my life away
stuck in this depressing haze

i’m drowning in a sea of dispair
you’re depreiving me of a life line

you’ve done this to me
don’t you feel proud

when you see my name in the obituaries
i hope you feel victorious

open your eyes and see what you’ve done to me
you’ve broken my heart and thrown me down

i stand on this chair
and put the rope around my neck

as i get ready to step off
my life flashes before my eyes

i press pause
and close my eyes

as i step off i relize
i love you but i hate you

rope taut
lifeless swing

lights
cameras
dead

Mother, May I ?

The room in flooding with the sweat and tears of our fathers
Floating are the bodies of there sinful daughters

Mother may I go for a swim and wade threw skins of gray
With no answers she turned and looked away

An ocean of damned souls I dive in deep
I ignore the dead and pretend they are just asleep
Sometimes I take a relic of misfortune to keep

Mother May I indulge in the wet whispers of the dead
She told me to close my eyes and pray instead

I wash my body and rinse my face
And spit out blood in the watery waste
It leaves my mouth with a colorful taste

Mother May I take a soul home
Or maybe just the flesh and bones?
She said no in a sorrowful tone

I asked why she seemed so distant and sad
She said in this sea of the dead lies the bodies of me and your dad

Then I awoke to a sudden darkness and opened my eyes
Another dream of there demise
I’m scared, but not surprised….

Mother May I go with you and father?
“No my child, stay out of deaths water….”

“Your time will come and we will wade threw waters of reconnection”
Her words seemed distant and dripping with infection….

if i were an angel

If I Were An Angel

I’d ask God to…

take my wings
i don’t need them to fly
take my grace
I don’t need it to feel blessed
take my aura
I don’t need it to glow
take my peace
I don’t need it to rest
take my beauty
i don’t need it to feel beautiful
take my label
I don’t need it to know, i have a soul
take my halo
I don’t need it to feel good
take it all
if you really would
make me normal
make me less
make me human
make me imperfect

because, I don’t need to
be an angel
to feel the blessing God has given me
its true
God blessed me beyond my deserving
when God blessed me with you